Searching for the Source

Most if not all of us like to figure things out. Put the pieces of the puzzle together. Trace the logical path life should travel. Craft the blueprint according to our design. And all this works for us much of the time. However, stuff happens. And some of that stuff defies explanation. Refuses to fit into a pretty picture. Doesn’t come from or lead to a happy place. Won’t connect perfectly with our plans. What then? Most likely, we search for the source of this unwelcome stuff in hopes of understanding it.

And sure, some stuff has traceable origins like certain cancers that can be linked to specific behaviors. Or a drained bank account that results from regular and reckless spending at the casinos. In some cases, we bring the struggles we find ourselves in upon ourselves by our choices. But not always. We can do our best by our bodies but they may yet betray us. We may honor those we are in relationship with but they could still do us harm. We might take every safety precaution available to us but discover ourselves defenseless against the force of a hurricane or the impact of an out-of-control driver. And it would seem that’s a key component in our search for the source: control.

If the pickle we’re in could have been avoided by our choosing differently, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. But if the crisis came upon us from an external source over which we had no control, it is likely to be coated with an additional layer of angst because we have no easy explanation for it. And there’s nowhere to hang the blame. And there’s a lingering cloud of incomprehension.

In a small compilation edited by a medical doctor titled I Am the Lord Who Heals You, one contributor, Margaret Moers Wenig, describes feeling like a bowling pin. She writes, “The bowling pin has no control over its destiny. It is a passive recipient of whatever fate rolls its way. It cannot take shelter behind another object that could deflect the ball’s course. The bowling pin is an inanimate object with no control over its own life course. The bowling pin is nothing like us. Then why are there times when we feel just like a bowling pin?”

It's that key component, isn’t it? Control. We simply don’t have it in any definitive way. Does that mean we’ll stop trying to put the pieces of the puzzle in place by searching for the source of our troubles? Probably not. But we might eventually abandon the illusion that human life is a logical enterprise. May grace abound, -rebecca